Today, as more and more people sell their used cars online, standing out from the crowd is harder than ever. Bland ads which simply say something to the effect of “Good little runner, excellent condition” don’t tend to attract attention. As a result, sellers are turning to ever-more individual, not to say idiosyncratic, approaches. Here are five ads which have appeared on eBay over the past year or three, which we found particularly amusing. We’ve reduced the length of some of them, in the interests of space, but otherwise they’re reproduced as the original. Enjoy!
I could tell you that my Nissan Micra is absolutely fantastic, a pleasure to drive, has all mod cons.....But I'd be lying my little head off!!! To my surprise, and amazement if I'm honest, the little bag of death has got me to work and back every morning with no problems whatsoever. What I can tell you, is that the car is yellow, it's basic, it's quite nasty to be fair, there is rust on the driver's wing, lacquer peel on the spoiler, but it's only done a genuine 67,000 miles and seems to be reliable and drives really well. The car is sold as seen so make sure you bring your glasses.
Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves! A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran’s idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. You just ain’t gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I’ve made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already. Don’t let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid driver’s licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid. Nuff said, innit.
If Trebor made car paint then I imagine it would look something like the colour of my Ford Focus, it’s a pale minty green. I will include some green Trebor mints in the sale so that you can compare for yourself. Please specify if you would prefer Extra Strong mints instead, they are white (unlike the colour of this car) but I personally prefer them even if I do hold them partially responsible for the decay in one of my teeth. The engine is sound as can be, and there’s nothing nasty to report about the inside of the car, no rips or scuffs, its very tidy actually. I valeted the car so it’s looking good and smells divine – you might want to lick it but I recommend against this since some of the cleaning products I use are bad for tongues.
(Another) Renault Clio
This car belonged to my 19 year old son, who now has a new car, I can only apologise for the state of it, clearly he will treat his new one the same. OK, the passenger side has a large dent on it, where my son tried to climb the corner of my house, I did tell him that if he is going to insist on going back and forth on the wall the dent will get bigger!!! Surprisingly the electric windows still work well, considering the amount of times they go up and down calling to his mates, and banter with the passing girls, many of whom have been taken for rides in the car, which may explain the passenger seat not moving back and forth anymore. When I told my son I was selling it, because he now had a new car, he said ‘well who gets the money?’ I said me of course, but it won’t be much, as the car has had it, to which he then replied, ‘that’s not fair, it’s a good car, nothing wrong with it,” and that he should get the cash. Yeah, right.
Peugeot 206 1.6 GLX
Why are humans put on Earth? What is the ultimate goal of life? Many people have pondered this question, but the ultimate answer is to have a family and carry on your genealogy. To have a family you first need someone to awkwardly fool around/make sexy time with. This magnificent beast of automotive perfection will help you achieve this. My Peugeot 206 has been scientifically proven to titillate women and arouse men. No matter how unconventional you look this car will cause people to throw themselves at you. (If they do the brakes work fine and you won’t run them over). Despite getting more action than all the inhabitants of Heston combined this car has been more reliable than a wood burning stove. As a result in the 4 years I have owned it, it has only needed a new battery and exhaust.
Fun though these ads may be, they may not inspire your confidence. If you prefer to source your used cars from a decidedly reliable supplier, may we suggest that you try the Desperateseller.co.uk used car section? It might be less fun than the above, but what we lack in humour, we more than make up for in value and choice.